


Memories

by daddydanielthespaniel



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), Thor (Movies)
Genre: AKA, Also yes, Angst, Brothers, Childhood Memories, Dashingfrost - Freeform, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Memories, Not A Fix-It, Odin sucks, Odin's A+ Parenting, Pansexual Character, Post-Avengers: Infinity War Part 1 (Movie), Secrets, also i know frigga is dead but i didnt mention it because that hurts TOO MUCH, because i recently got into that and uh can i get a huyaaah, feeling angsty, honestly thor just wants loki to be a child again, i only wanted to make us slightly upset okay not deathly upset, loki just wants thor to be careful, love frigga, odin who??, seriously, some fandral and loki, this is sad i'm sorry, thor just wants loki to be happy again, you can kinda see bisexual thor if you squint
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-27
Updated: 2018-08-27
Packaged: 2019-07-03 01:30:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,020
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15808581
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/daddydanielthespaniel/pseuds/daddydanielthespaniel
Summary: Post Infinity War, Thor thinks on some memories of his relationship with his baby brother. And as much as Loki loathed to be called that, Thor most definitely still thought of him that way.





	Memories

**Author's Note:**

> Hey! This fic is really sad, but you know what makes it even more upsetting? Listening to the Spotify playlist I made to go along with it. Obviously you'll finish the fic before you finish the playlist, but hey, maybe you like to constantly feel angst so you're welcome.
> 
> https://open.spotify.com/user/daddydanielthespaniel/playlist/0H9WBlS4D81oNxLDEoNey1?si=D0_9AZ3mTeK2Ovn5VuUffw
> 
> Also I am so so sorry if this is out of character in any way. I've never written from Thor's perspective before, so that was a lot of guessing. So hopefully it's not too crazy!

_The Asgardian princes were sat upon the youngest’s balcony. The sun was setting, allowing the world of theirs to practically shimmer in shades of pink and gold, the light bouncing off the walls of the enormous palace. Their legs dangled, their thighs and arms pressed together comfortably. The younger of the two, Loki, had a book balanced on one knee, the right side of the book rested easily on Thor’s. Loki had always been one for studying, and Thor, though he wasn’t nearly as much of a fan, couldn’t help the smile he had whenever Loki got particularly heated about a subject._

_“Thor, you absolute oaf. That is a wolf, not a common dog.”_

_“Is there a difference?”_

_The young, raven-haired boy snorted, giving a light, barely-noticeable roll of the eyes. “Is there a difference-” He mocked, his voice dropping slightly lower to match his elder brother’s tone. “Of course there is a difference. One is fierce, focuses mainly on survival, isn’t too fond of company that isn’t already a part of its inner circle. The other, a silly animal, interested in any companionship it can get, even if it’s that of a different species. The first being the cautious wolf, the second being the easily excitable mutt.”_

_Thor tilted his head, looking at the drawing on the page for what had to be the tenth time. “So, what you’re saying is that this… this wolf. It’s like you, but not. And then I’m-”_

_“I beg your pardon?” Thor shifted his gaze from down at the book, to down at his brother. His now very confused brother. If they hadn’t been dangling over what had to be the highest balcony in the palace, Thor would have jumped down and cheered in the triumph of having Loki be the confused one. It was a rare occurrence for Thor to be able to best the brains of their duo, or better yet, catch him off guard._

_He’d gloat later._

_“You are the wolf, brother. Cautious, uneasy when it comes to making friends. I am the dog. I certainly do not think things through nearly as much as you, and I am more open. Easier to approach.” At Thor’s explanation, Loki seemed to ponder, his mouth opening a couple times to respond, only to shut again as he rethought his words. “See? You are overthinking things right now.”_

_“I am not.” Loki was quick to interject, causing a laugh to erupt from the blonde boy’s chest. He raised his eyebrows in a challenge, and Loki let out a little huff of air. “Alright. Maybe I am…”_

_“And you don’t seem to have as many friends as I. In fact, I see you with books more than I see you with people.” This realization hadn’t actually hit Thor until he heard himself say it aloud. Suddenly he felt a bit guilty. Okay, scratch that, extremely guilty. He made to reply, his mouth and eyes opening wide in unison, until he heard a faint giggle. His face morphed into one of confusion as he looked down at the source. Then the giggle turned into a full laugh, not that the trickster would ever admit it. Loki leaned his head upon Thor’s shoulder and sighed as his laughter died down._

_“I am not in need of friends, brother. I have you. Why would I waste my time with others when their love could never compare to that of family?”_

_There. That was it. In that moment Thor knew he would die one day, protecting Loki in the process._

_It was around three hundred years later, the young boys had become teenagers. Something since had entered the air. Something different. Loki was constantly cold as of late, and neither brother was sure why. They’d gone to mother first, then father, and had never received an answer apart from the rehearsed “You boys are changing, your bodies with you. It must be part of his personal growth’. Thor found that explanation to be rather dull, and he was almost certain Loki did too._

_Loki._

_Thor wiped sweat from his forehead. It was a particularly hot day outside in Asgard, a heat wave passing through, and Loki seemed to have taken to it the worst. He’d nearly fainted outside, until one of the healers insisted he go inside. Loki hadn’t seemed to understand why, and truthfully Thor didn’t understand either. Loki had always been a bit colder to the touch, but it’d recently been getting so out of hand that a simple heat wave could nearly melt Loki’s insides._

_“Thor?” Thor’s attention was quickly drawn back to… oh. Right. “Thor? You insisted you needed to talk with me. If you’ve changed your mind, we can surely talk later.” The Lady Sif rested her hands on her hips, blowing a couple long strands of hair away from the damp skin of her face. She looked at Thor expectantly, which caused his cheeks to flush as he looked away. Right. Odin was having a celebration coming up, something about defeating some enemy, and he’d asked Thor to invite Lady Sif to the family table. When Thor had, of course, asked if he could bring along Volstagg, or at the very least Fandral, Odin had denied._

_‘This, I’m afraid, must be a matter of the heart. You won’t find yourself in bed with a man, will you?’ Odin had responded as a joke as he bit into an apple, though it was clear there was underlying worry. He really had worries that Thor would be interested in a man over a woman? Thor had scoffed, assuring that he would indeed invite Lady Sif, and attempt to be a romantic for once. And it wasn’t that Thor wasn’t interested in women. Really. He was. Admittedly, it was difficult to focus on relationships of the romantic sort when the prince was constantly becoming more and more worried for his brother. Speaking of said brother, Loki had rolled his eyes; an over-dramatic, blood-chilling move that only an angry Loki could pull off._

_‘This is absolutely ridiculous.’ Loki had said as he’d pushed his hands against the table, raising his body from his seat and standing to leave. Thor thought he would just leave, and that would be the end of the conversation. But he didn’t, and it wasn’t. He stared at their father, the anger never leaving his features. ‘This is why you’ve begun talking to me less and less over the years, hm? Because I seem incapable of ever wooing a maiden the way Thor could?’_

_‘That is not what I said, Loki, you are putting words into my mouth again-’_

_‘Oh? So I take it you’d be perfectly accepting of one of your sons wooing a man, or a woman? What if one of your sons is interested in both, hm? What if one of your sons cannot be forced to like a certain type specifically?’ Thor’s head whipped up to his brother. Of course he’d never seen Loki with anyone, and Thor had always just assumed it was Loki’s cold nature of keeping closed off, like a lone wolf in the wild. But now? Was Loki implying..? He followed Loki’s gaze to chance a look at their father._

_Odin was still as a statue. If it weren’t for his heavy breathing, and his disappointed look, Thor would have thought Loki or Mother had put the Allfather under some sort of spell. The room was deathly silent, neither Thor nor Frigga daring to interject their opinions in favour of the black-haired royal. Thor almost expected Odin’s voice to become powerful, shake the room as it did whenever Odin was greatly angered. Instead, his voice was soft, but laced with underlying strength._

_‘Then I would be right in seeing your brother more fit to be king. We need a king who knows how to make a choice, not be constantly under confusion.’ Frigga gasped, and Thor could feel the anger towards her husband oozing from her very being. Before her or Thor could add anything, Loki had fled the room, most likely to his chambers, or maybe the garden or library. Thor had sighed, and pushed himself up from the table. He left the room, and made his way to the training grounds._

_Which led him here. To this moment. Lady Sif was still looking up at him expectantly, the sweat dripping from her head after training in the awful heat. Thor forced a smile, his cheeks flushing._

_“I am sorry, Sif. I… I ought to ask you, if you’d join my family’s table during the feast tonight.” At this Sif’s annoyed, impatient look turned to one of shock. Not unpleasant, but shock all the same._

_“I… the royal table? Me? Why?” Thor thought for a moment. Why was he doing this? Because Odin had told him to._

_“Because I realized you’re the most important woman in my life. It only makes sense for you to join us, correct?” Sif laughed. It was light, full of joy as she nearly leaped into his arms, hugging him close to her. She broke away after a moment with a smile._

_“Of course! Oh goodness, I must go get ready to be in the king’s company. I shall meet you tonight!” She pressed a quick kiss to Thor’s cheek before collecting her shield and sword, and hurrying away. Thor chuckled softly, making his way back towards the palace._

_Once up the many flights of steps, Thor had finally made it to he and Loki’s floor. He set his course to his rooms, before stopping in his tracks. His gaze drifted towards the door to Loki’s rooms, and he let out an audible sigh. “Dammit.” The thunder god muttered, before walking over to the mischief god’s door. He opened it without knocking._

_The sight was enough to shatter Thor’s heart to pieces._

_Loki’s books were strewn across the floor, the room dark because of the drapes pulled shut in every window or door that could possibly let sunlight into Loki’s chambers. His hair was messy, and his face was completely covered by a cloth that looked to be soaked, with what Thor assumed was tears._

_The moment lasted maybe three seconds tops._

_Loki sniffled loudly and pulled the cloth away from his face as his nose scrunched up in disgust, probably looking to get a new one. His red, puffy eyes met Thor’s, and both princes froze. At first Thor’s younger brother looked at him in fear of being caught, but it very quickly turned to anger._

_Thor had to duck when a vase crashed into the wall next to his head._

_“Thor! Do you not know how to knock, you idiot- Get. Out!” He reached for a thick book, probably around a couple thousand pages, and Thor’s eyes widened as he quickly exited and closed the door in front of him. He jumped in place at the sound of something heavy banging into the door. Well, it was a good thing Thor did as Loki told him to. Thor knew which battles were safe, and which would probably result in immediate death._

_Thor sighed, knocked his head lightly onto Loki’s door, then turned away, making a beeline for his own chambers. And if Thor had started crying a bit too? Well, who could really say?_

_Thor’s coronation was to be held the next day, and he was more than ready for it. As for his brother, Loki had been… distant, as of late. He had seen Loki laughing with Fandral a lot recently, when they thought no one was watching. Sometimes Thor would catch the two of them exchanging looks from across the mead hall, but Thor chose to not think too much on it. He found pushing away most thoughts regarding Loki’s interests was better for both of them, especially after that morning where Thor had nearly died from a vase to the face. It rhymes, so it sounds fun, but Thor is pretty sure he doesn’t want to take the chance. Thor’s steps faltered, Mjolnir hanging in his hand as his arms sagged at his sides. That morning had been decades, hell, centuries ago, and they’d still yet to talk about it._

_Thor closed his eyes, breathed deep, and opened them again as he decided that the whole ‘we are men so we cannot share emotions’ thing needed to end right there and then. When they had been children, his baby brother had been so quick to cozy up to his side and talk about his feelings… so what happened?_

_Thor walked through the halls of Asgard’s palace. He first checked the library, knowing Loki loved to study in the afternoon. When that plan proved a failure, Thor decided to check the gardens. When Loki wasn’t there either, Thor was beginning to panic as he all but ran towards the kitchen. Sometimes Loki baked when he was stressed. And when Loki wasn’t there, Thor groaned and smacked himself in the head. Loki had been up in his chambers all day, why wouldn’t he still be up there? The God of Thunder could hear Loki sneering in his head. ‘Really, brother? Are we honestly that forgetful these days?’. Thor shook his head as he set out on the course to Loki’s chambers._

_Loki used to be so kind, loving. Happy. He used to be happy. Not that Loki was depressed or anything, but he definitely laughed a lot less than he used to. Especially with this coronation coming up. They definitely needed to talk, then._

_When Thor made it to Loki’s room, he opened the door just a crack before his eyes widened when he realized he’d forgotten to knock. He braced himself for an attack, but none came. Thor cocked his head to the side when he heard a familiar voice, definitely not his brother’s. He slowly opened the door, being sure not to let it squeak or anything else that would give him away. He stared ahead of him in a bit of shock. Loki’s back was to Thor, and so was Fandral’s. There they were, legs dangling off the balcony, their bodies pressed together as the sun was beginning to set._

_The heartbreak Thor experienced this time was different, more painful. This used to be something only he and Loki would do. And then Thor left him behind for his friends and his crown and their father. Thor felt guilt surge within him as he eavesdropped on the conversation his brother and his best friend were having, both of them unaware of his presence._

_“He’s not ready, Fandral.” Fandral was silent, and Thor could sense Loki’s discomfort without even seeing his face. “You think he is.” It was more of a statement than a question, and Thor frowned._

_“I never said that, my dear prince. I do not think he is ready for the throne either. Not yet. But he is my best friend. It feels wrong to speak so poorly of him.”_

_“The Allfather… he is just handing this kingdom over to Thor when Thor has not matured nearly enough for a position of this height.” Loki sighed, and Thor could see his arm move, and it looked like he rubbed his face. Loki’s voice cracked when he spoke next. “I love Thor like no other. He is my brother, of course I love him.”  
Fandral wrapped an arm around Loki’s shoulders, his left hand rubbing Loki’s shoulder comfortingly. “But?”_

_“But he isn’t ready. Asgard will fall to ruins because of some petty, avoidable war. You know how ill-tempered he gets. Just like Father… not to mention Thor will have to be the deciding head when it comes to stuff like taxes. Do you know how much of a meathead he is when it comes to math? He’s a smart man, but definitely not when it comes to math-”_

_“Loki.” Fandral drawled out the name, and the area went quiet._

_Thor heard a soft, cracked sob. “He will get himself killed, Fandral.” The God of Mischief hid his face in Fandral’s shoulder, as Fandral continued to comfort him._

_The soon-to-be king had heard enough. He quickly and quietly exited Loki’s chambers, closing the door softly behind him. At least then he knew how Loki really viewed him._

_Of course the next day, Thor hadn’t told Loki what he’d heard, likewise, Loki decided not to tell Thor what it was he’d said to Fandral. The two brothers smiled with one another, making jokes and laughing as Loki played a trick on a servant. Thor’s heart warmed, even as his hand touched the unnaturally cool surface of Loki’s neck. At last, it was finally beginning to feel like they were brothers once again._

_What is that saying? Every good thing must come to an end? Well, Thor cursed whomever had come up with that saying, because it seemed they’d been right._

_It had been several years since his coronation had been cut short. Since Loki had tried in a mad rage to take over Midgard. Since the brothers learned they really weren’t as close as they’d always thought. Since Thor had met the Avengers, made new friends. His old friends were gone now. A lot of the citizens of Asgard were. After Hela, Odin’s secret first-born child, the Goddess of Death...after she had left her mark on Asgard, it was hard to wash away. Volstagg, gone. Hogun, gone. Fandral...well, Fandral was gone, too. Thor took that hard, and he wondered how Loki took it. Speaking of Loki._

_“Where is your merry band of friends, Thor? Lady Sif? The Warriors Three? I may want to spar with Fandral, he lasts a lot longer than you, brother.” Loki chuckled, and Thor’s heart ached. He wondered for a moment, if Loki had been making a jest just to upset Thor. They had been on this large spaceship for about a week now, give or take. Thor was shocked Loki hadn’t known about the deaths of their friends until now._

_“Loki…” Thor said softly, and Loki cocked his head, his signature smirk still there. He raised an eyebrow, awaiting a response with his hands on his hips. Thor was painfully reminded of Lady Sif all those years ago, expecting an answer from him then, too. “Fandral is dead. The whole lot of them, too.” The words wiped the smirk off of Loki’s face in no time._

_“W-” Loki tried to speak, but his face contorted into one of sadness. “What? Surely you jest. This can’t- they are fine, Thor.”_

_Thor walked up to Loki slowly. “No, brother. I’m sorry. I know you cared for them. Cared for Fandral.” At the mention of his name again, Loki hit Thor in the chest. Hard. Thor blew out a puff of air when he was hit, but he didn’t stop it._

_“No. No, they- he-” Loki shook his head, hitting Thor again. The brothers’ eyes met, and they exchanged a look that they hadn’t shared in a while; understanding._

_Loki hit Thor’s chest with his closed fists a few more times as he began to cry, and Thor knew there would be bruises later. But that was okay. Suddenly, Thor was really glad they were in a private room as he pulled Loki close to him, hugging him tightly. The younger of the two struggled in his grasp, fighting to get free as he cried and cried, until he gave up, going limp in Thor’s arms and leaning against his chest._

_And then it came. Thanos’ ship. Ruined everything for Thor. His people, Heimdall, their ship, Asgard. Loki. Everything was taken away while Thor was forced to sit and watch. To watch as half of his people were murdered. As Heimdall, his mentor, was murdered. As Loki, his brother, if not by blood than by bond, was strangled until there was no chance of any life being left in him. Blood ran down from the man’s eyes, and it made Thor sick to his stomach. He held onto his brother. The ship was destroyed around him, blowing up as the mad Titan made his escape, and all he could focus on was Loki. His brother. His best friend. Gone. And Thor was pretty sure it was for good this time. Even Thanos had said there would be no more resurrections._

Thor liked to think Thanos had been full of shit. But then again, it was hard to think that as Thor shifted in his spot on the Midgardian grass, his hand caressing the top of the stone slab in front of him. Loki’s name had been carved into it, and Thor was pleasantly surprised to see that he hadn’t been the only one bringing his late brother flowers. Thor chuckled at the thought. It was funny, how everyone suddenly gave a damn once the person was already dead.

At first, when Bruce had mentioned the idea of making a gravestone for Loki, the depressed Thor had denied it. Asgardians had never used graves before, never buried their dead as Midgardians liked to do. And even then, even if they did, there was no body to bury in the first place. Nevertheless, Thor trusted Bruce, so he eventually agreed. How right Bruce had been to suggest such a thing. Having this stone, this marker, it gave Thor something to remember Loki by. Of course, he’d never forget him, but having something to touch that represented him felt good.

The stone slab, surprisingly made by Tony Stark, was pushed upright into the ground, right next to the rocks that their father had passed away on not so long ago. Thor never sat on the rocks though, always felt as if he was intruding if he did. So he sat on the ground, within arms reach of the gravestone, so he could reach out and caress it and hug it and just pray to everything in existence that Loki was somewhere, able to hear him.

Sometimes Thor wondered if his brother could see him. He could practically hear the laughter of the God of Mischief upon seeing Thor so upset about this. But he could hear other things from the man, too. Not only his judging laughter, but his happy laughter. His giggling. His crying. His yelling when things got especially tough, if tough was even a good word to describe it. 

“Oh how I miss you, brother.” Thor murmured, clearing his throat and wiping a tear before any more could show. “I think you’d be happy here. ‘New Asgard’ is what we call it. Not the most original name, I know. But Korg came up with it and the name just… it sorta…” He tried too long to think of a word, his mind too focused on the mental image scarred into Thor’s brain. The words he’d said.

_“The sun will shine on us again, brother.”_

“Stuck?” Brunnhilde offered, and she smiled sadly when Thor looked back at her. She nodded, understanding his struggle. After all, she’d lost people too. She raised the bottle to her lips. Thor wasn’t sure what it was, but he leaned back, making a grabby hand at it wordlessly. Brunnhilde sighed and walked up, sitting next to him across from the slab as she handed her king the bottle.

“Hey, Lackey. I hope you can see us getting totally wasted on your grave. It’s a celebration.”

Thor snorted and shook his head in disbelief. “A celebration?”

“Of course.” She answered softly, and she surprisingly seemed serious. “If he would have succeeded in taking over Midgard, Thanos probably would have won a lot sooner than he did. Killed a lot more people. Besides.. I wouldn’t have met you.”

Thor smiled and set down the bottle as Brunnhilde leaned her head on his left shoulder. Okay. So maybe he hadn’t lost everything. His smile grew as he touched the slab again. Maybe Loki hadn’t lost everything either. Or maybe he was still alive somehow, waiting for just the right moment to make a grand entrance. He had to be. 

He’d promised to die protecting Loki.

And he didn’t.

**Author's Note:**

> Quick note here. I know that originally in Norse mythology, the Asgardians aren't homophobic. But let's be real, Odin is a dick. So it's to be expected.


End file.
